I wish I was like you .
I wish I had it all mapped out !
I wish I was in more complete understanding of myself and my role within this "great" world ,
and by that I mean I wish I was as stupid as you ...
I wish I didn't question everything and just go with it .
I wish I was so small in my understanding that I could build a model of this world , the universe and
through my own comprehension , my own analysis , figure it all out .
And the point comes when I realize that there is this dirty , filthy rapist in my mind , in my world ,
my society , that wishes to destroy , that wants to be unleashed , to fuck up their systems ,
tear down their trees , to corrupt those tiny boys and girls . And I say rapist because people
don't like that being said . They don't mind it being done ... they just mind it being said .
I want to despoil , to take away the innocence , because innocence disgusts me . But it's all
grotesque banality anyway .
The empty self full of cracks ... and every day another crack forms , another splinter breaks away
and hope is gone and without feeling .
I want something in a wrapper , something in new silk panties , some fresh piece of meat ,
something with the authority of a badge , or an instructional print-out .
I want it all to corrupt it , I want to revenge myself upon it . To kick away the papers and cover them
with dirt . That's the most that I can expect , to destroy their receipts , to crumble their registration
forms . I wish I was just like you and conclude that I must be of huge importance , that I'm the center
of the world : my pockets are full of change , and through this change I can enact change ! I wish I
could care about all that stuff , those things , you know those things , those things you care about ,
like those cars and people , all of that . On what scale do you measure the worth of these people ?
And then again , we are taught that money is real value and a moral code and a combination of the
two and as the days pass I learn tricks and deceit and the instinct to grab it when it comes . And
now look at all of this , who's standing , who's yelling , who's talking about you ? It's me ! I'm the one
after all , and am I important , or am I just a messenger for you ? I don't know , I don't give a fuck .
I'm yelling and nothing I'm saying hasn't been said before .
I see empty eyes , a guy stuffing his fat face with chips or other dripping grease products , filling his
face with money or moral code , and he is without sense . Why the fuck should I acknowledge you ,
you hold open that door for me and step out of my way , I didn't ask for this , I didn't ask to have to
acknowledge you . Or another thing , I sit and some fuck tells me not to sit and I have to
acknowledge this prick as well .
The only moment of truth is the tenth of a second after the shot is delivered , in that fraction there is
reality . In that singular point , all the lies that money and desperation build are revealed and all
that's left is THE truth . My memory lapses and it's hard to tell or care anymore . I don't know if it's
out of apathy or boredom . This weight is the weight of pointlessness and it drags me down . I've
never been so happy , I say to myself and I repeat it to pretend that I remember now how I felt when
I said it , but I remember nothing but the words . He/she likes it and I don't . I like it but he/she
doesn't . I've realized that I'm not really one person and that neither of us gives a fuck , neither of us
is really whole or worth a damn . We are just cogs in the big machinery and if any cog bitches
about it , it's quickly replaced so that the whole repeating process can continue without any
intreruption ...
In the end , you are born alone , you live alone and you die alone when you realize that the whole
world is one fucking battlefield where only the dead see the end of it !
[ ... end transmission , 23012010 , 0035 hours ]
